


Unconventional Tactics

by Iron_Eirlyssa (Eirlyssa)



Series: Eirlyssa's 2018 Bingo Fills [4]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: And there is WEIRDNESS, And they're chilling in Wakanda, At least it's not New York this time, Bucky is still unfrozen, Cause I always am, Crack, Everyone else is in the background - Freeform, I meant it when I said it was weird, I should not tag when tired, M/M, Pre-Slash, This is weird, Tony Stark Bingo 2018, Vaguely Team Iron Man, WinterIron Bingo Adventure 2018, not entirely canon compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-15
Updated: 2018-07-15
Packaged: 2019-06-11 01:49:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15304746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eirlyssa/pseuds/Iron_Eirlyssa
Summary: When an unexpected enemy threatens to destroy the world, it's up to Tony Stark to come up with a plan to defeat the greatest of all challenges.





	Unconventional Tactics

**Author's Note:**

> Fill for the Tony Stark Bingo S4: [](https://imgur.com/0IK1z3u) that I lovingly refer to as the ‘Stripper Picture’;
> 
> And the WinterIron Bingo Adventure O3: ‘Experiment’.
> 
> Be warned, it’s cracky (and as always, some of my Team Iron Man feels came through, but not a lot this time).
> 
> Hope you like it!

They were all going to die.

The world was going to be destroyed, and they were all going to die.

Because of a _flamingo_.

How was this his life, again?

As far as they could tell, someone had been under the mistaken impression that somehow getting their hands on a black flamingo would be the _Greatest Idea Ever_.

Spoiler: it wasn’t.

Considering said Greatest Idea Ever was currently well on its way to destroying the earth.

And was still pink, but who cared?

Nothing they had tried had any effect so far. Literally. As in, it seemed as though no weapons even managed to touch it. It tore through Peter’s webs as though they were tissue paper. Same with the Hulk Containment Unit, which he’d called for. Bullets, rockets, lasers… nothing worked, only managing to annoy it.

Which turned out to be a bad idea.

Rather than trampling over stuff like it was made of… something fragile, straw or really thin planks of wood, it was now screaming at them and stomping.

Which sounded like a regular dramatic fit, objectively speaking.

Except for the tiny little detail that the screams were capable of just about paralyzing people, and the stomping was causing earthquakes. All over the world.

So yeah, things were not going well.

At all.

Fortunately, he'd finished Peter's new spider suit in time for the fight. Considering he'd made very sure the armor could block out sound if necessary (yeah, thanks for yet _another_ trauma, Obie), that meant at least three of them were still capable of doing anything.

Which was better than none, he guessed?

If not for the fact that nothing was helping whatsoever, except making the flamingo even more pissed off.

( _Why a **flamingo**?_ )

"We need an idea, and _fast_ ," Rhodey panted through the comms. "This thing gets even more angry, those earthquakes will start destroying stuff."

"Or someone will have the bright idea to send a nuke for it," Tony deadpanned, his mind running through options. Quite honestly, he didn't think even a nuclear strike would have an impact on the thing. What had that scientist _done_ to it?

(Although he _was_ tempted to train it for a future attack on Earth, if not for the fact that the earthquakes were kind of bad. Maybe send it to another planet instead?)

(He mentally snorted. Earth, taking over the galaxy with an oversized pink flamingo. That would make a statement.)

(Or send it over to Asgard as a guest, considering the mess Asgard had sent Earth's way so far.)

(Okay, focus on the problem.)

" _Nothing is working_ , Mister Stark!" Peter wasn't quite panicked yet, but he was getting close. Rhodey wasn't that much better (and Tony was running out of options, too).

(Not out of flashbacks, though.)

(Bernard Stark vs Edwin Jarvis had remained funny for a very long time.)

Another screech sounded, and Tony could see the teammates currently already out of commission flinch again. As well as the regular people, as far as the eye could see. He wondered how far that sound carried.

He'd heard the earthquakes, though not too big yet, went all across the world.

Something had to be done.

"Is there some way to distract it!?"

"And _then what_?" That was a definite screech in Rhodey's voice. "So far, the only thing I can tell is that we need to somehow _make it less unhappy_!"

" _How_?" Peter screeched back.

And Tony sometimes hated his brain, because that was the moment he came up with an idea that was either brilliant, stupid, or both.

~~Scratch that, definitely both.~~

"Do you trust me?" he asked the both of them, mind rushing through what he needed in order to make this work somehow. If it worked at all, of course.

"Yes, Mister Stark, sir!" His faith was endearing. Perhaps not the wisest, but definitely endearing.

"Oh God," he heard Rhodey sigh. Which, _rude_. Then again, to be fair, Rhodey had seen some of the things that happened when Tony got like this, so perhaps he had a point. "Will it help save the earth?"

"Definitely," he assured his best friend, trying to sound more confident than he felt.

If it weren't for the faceplate, Tony just _knew_ he'd be able to see Rhodey roll his eyes at this very moment. The guy knew him too well. "Any plan is better than what we're currently doing here, I guess. Hit me with it."

"Right." _Pink. Freaking. Flamingo._ It still didn't quite compute. "FRIDAY, I need you to do some research for me and project it on the display. Kid, you and I need to distract Bernie for a little. Rhodey... I need you to find something very important for me."

♥

Considering the attack was breaking news all over the world, it didn’t take too much effort for the rogues to be able to watch it all.

“We need to get over there,” was pretty much all Steve had been saying ever since it had started. He repeated it every time one of the others’ attacks turned out to be ineffective against what looked to be only a slightly oversized flamingo.

Everyone’s worry had been growing. “You really think anything we’d do could hit it?” Wilson asked, a frown on his face.

“Not to mention we’d be on the ground along with most of the world,” Natalia pointed out.

The screaming wasn’t as potent through a screen, but the one time the sound had been put through, all of them had flinched. After that, the network had decided not to transmit the sound of the battle anymore, no doubt having noticed the effect. Still, the only ones still capable of fighting were Stark, Rhodes and Spider-man.

“Even the fastest plane Wakanda has to offer probably wouldn’t get us there in time, anyway,” Lang added morosely. He’d been very interested in everything the country had to offer, especially when it came to engineering, and had made some friends there.

Unfortunately, it looked like he was right. The flamingo was getting increasingly agitated, and they didn’t have the hour and twelve minutes it would take for them to get to Baltimore.

This was going absolutely terribly.

“We should still be there,” Steve insisted. Bucky resisted the urge to tell him that maybe, just maybe, he should’ve gone about things differently in that case. As true as it was, the fact that his friend had done it all for him left him feeling kind of awkward about pointing out the ways Steve could have made some better choices.

At that moment, Rhodes flew off, leaving only Stark and Spider-man. “... Did he just abandon them?”

Natalia shook her head. “Stark and Spider-man are distracting it now. It’s more likely they have a plan and Rhodes is off to get whatever they need for it.”

Whatever they need is, apparently, a pink feather boa that Rhodes comes flying back with.

“What the hell?” It’s Barton asking, but it’s difficult to disagree with him. The hell kind of plan did they come up with and how did they think a _pink feather boa_ was going to help?

But then… oh, then.

Bucky watched, completely unable to pay attention to any of the others, as Stark’s armor retracted and he draped the boa over his arms. His _naked_ arms. In fact, except for the crotch piece and his helmet, he appeared to be completely naked.

And dancing.

That was… well, Bucky had to adjust himself subtly as his astonishment only grew.

Because the flamingo had stopped screeching and stomping around and was now… watching attentively?

(Hell, _Bucky_ was watching very attentively.)

He had no idea how Stark was doing it, but the armor appeared to be working with him. Sometimes he spread his arms wide, and the armor would briefly reassemble on his arms and hands to show red and gold with the pink boa. The same happened every time he bent forward ( _oh gods_ , when he bent forward…) and spread his arms above his head.

Although Bucky was definitely not a flamingo and a guy dancing and twisting himself while wearing a pink boa should not be completely and irresistibly hot, it was. It so, _so_ was.

Was it weird to be jealous when he noticed that the flamingo Stark was doing this all for seemed to think so as well?

No one would ever know.

Except for the part where Bucky found his self-control somewhat lacking, of course.

"I need to get to the US," he told them as Stark led the flamingo away, his teammates by now up again and capable of keeping the news crews at enough of a distance they would not be able to tell where they were going.

None of them seemed to have expected that, Steve least of all. "Bucky? Is something wrong?"

"I need to get back."

Natalia narrowed her eyes. "Why, exactly, do you need to go back right now? Especially considering we're safe here, and the disaster is over."

He didn't even pay her much attention, watching the replays of Stark's dance moves, swaying and twisting and bending and flashing and so very, very attractive. "I need to court him, and hopefully he'll agree to marry me," he informed them matter-of-factly.

Not even the dead silence could break him out of his trance.

Hell, he knew what he'd be googling when he was back in his room.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed it.
> 
> (In case you're wondering: I imagine Bucky will be very successful in courting Tony, and they live a long and happy life with Bernadette as their adopted flamingo kid. Thanos never knew what was coming for him.)


End file.
